Note: Uncle Bobby, my neighbor, helped me technically in assembling this website, and I happily agreed to host his creatively-written travelogues and compelling, Biblically-correct Sunday school lessons about Jesus. He has, unfortunately, come rather unhinged following an incident in Tijiuana with a Jehovah’s Witness, a Scientologist, and an amorous donkey. (I can say no more.)
I’m sad to say that Uncle Bobby will not be able to provide any further travelogues or lessons for the time being . . . so you’ll have to be satisfied with Real Bible Stories instead! – Sister Shirlee
Child: Dear Jesus, I pray that you take me to see all the nations of the earth, and all the corners of the earth, just like you say when you were tempted. Amen
Jesus:Heyyyy Kids, how about some playtime with Jesus?
Child:Yay!
Jesus: Which of the nations of the earth would you like to see tonight?
Child: I wanna see cowboys and Indians!
Jesus: Hold on tight, we’re going to India! Just kneel down and pray…
*POOF*
Welcome to India!
Child: *Retch* what is that nasty smell?
Jesus: That’s called “curry”. It’s a kind of spices they put on as perfume. It makes them smell like food, so that if here’s a famine and they need to eat each other, they at least taste good.
Child: Will they eat…Me?
Jesus: Of course not. First of all, you don’t smell like curry. Secondly, they don’t have famines any more because we Americans flood their markets with subsidized food that they are too lazy to farm for themselves.
Child: I’m still scared. They’re all around me, and they’re standing too close!
Jesus: Just slap them and they’ll step back.
Child: What? I’m not going to start a fight with them! It looks like here’s a million on them!
Jesus:Actually, there’s a THOUSAND million of them – a billion. But go ahead and slap them, they don’t hit back. You see, they worship a man named Ghandi, who taught them a thing called “pacifism”. If you hit them, they will do what they call “passive resistance”.
Child:What’s parsave residence?
Jesus: It means they’ll just stand there and let you slap them.
Child: But I don’t want them to stand there, I want them to go away!
Jesus: Yes, that’s exactly how they beat the British. I guess we’ll have to move on and find another part of India that isn’t so crowded.
Child: Where’s that?
Jesus: I think some of their mountaintops aren’t completely overrun. Here, let’s catch this bus:
Child: What bus? All I see is a big pile of Indians!
Jesus: That’s what Indian buses look like. Indians are too cheap to pay for a seat, so they sit on the roof instead. Come on inside, we have the whole bus to ourselves!
Child: Hello Mr. Bus Driver, where is this bus taking us?
Bus Driver: Lahore
Child: WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?!?
Jesus: You can stop slapping him: Lahore is the name of the city the bus is going to. God gives sinful cities sinful names, so he’ll have an easier time remembering which ones to rain brimstone upon. For example, there was a city of sodomites, so He called it Sodom. And as for Bangkok – well, you get my point.
Child: This ride is so bumpy! Aren’t there any roads in India?
Jesus: There’s only one, and it isn’t any better than this.You can’t drive fast on it because around every corner there’s a herd of holy cows.
Child: Holy cow? I thought that was just an expression!
Jesus: No, Indians believe cows are holy, so they don’t eat them. This is a good example of the foolishness of worshipping false religions: India has more cows in it than any other country in the world. It also had more famines in its history than any other country in the world. These people would rather feed an animal than their own starving child.
Child: Where did they get such a crazy idea?
Jesus: Probably one of their gurus fell in love with a cow, married it, and had his heart broken at a BBQ.
Child: What’s a guru, and why would he marry a cow?
Jesus: See that naked guy sitting in the muddy gutter, smoking a peace-pipe full of hashish? That’s an Indian holy man. Trust me, that’s not a way to get many dates. I doubt he’s ever had a girlfriend. If it weren’t for the cows, he wouldn’t get any loving at all.
Child:Oh No! Terrorists are hijacking the bus! Look at their knives!
Jesus:Oh, don’t worry about that. Indians just look like that. Indians have diarrhea all the time – they need all the cloth on the turban to wipe their bottoms with. And the knives are idols that they worship, they don’t use them as weapons much. Anyway, if they hijacked this bus, what would they crash it into? There aren’t any skyscrapers in India. As you can see, most of their buildings are tee-pees.
Child: I think we’re in Lahor now!
Jesus: How can you tell?
Child: Look at the women, they’re dressed like sluts! You can see their bellybuttons!
Jesus: Very interesting….Let’s get off here, I’m going to see if I can convince them I’m a tartaric guru….
Child: What’s a tarantula-goo?
Jesus: Many Indians believe in a religion called Tantra. It involves, hm, how do I put this mildly….See that temple over there? See what the statues are doing?
Child:Ew! That’s gross! Look at those those ladies are doing to that man! And what that man is doing to that cow!
Jesus:Just wait til you see the Kama Sutra!
Child: Camera-soup what?
Jesus: Never mind. On second hand, maybe I don’t need any more wives. These Indian women have fine figures, but those annoying red dots on their forehead ruin their beauty. It looks like a tic on their forehead, and I keep wanting to pick it off. Either that, or it looks like someone shot them between the eyes. They look like corpses that have been raised from the dead – and take it from someone he’s actually been a reanimated corpse – that’s not pretty.
Child: Why do Indians think looking like a corpse is attractive?
Jesus: It comes from the zombie false-gods they worship. See how their skin is blue and green?
Child:Ew! That’s gross! Are there really zombies wandering around India?
Jesus: No, only their false gods are zombies. When an Indian woman dies, they leave her for the vultures to eat. When an Indian man dies, they burn him, and toss his wife into the fire with him.
Child: Can we catch another bus now? These dot-headed women are creeping me out and that freaky temple – can Indians really bend all over like that?
Jesus: Yes, they can, because of another false religion called “Yoga”.
Child: How many weird cults does this place HAVE?
Jesus: Nobody’s bothered to count. Anyway, Yoga is a cult based on a snake goddess. All Christians should avoid it.
Child: You don’t have to tell me twice! Can we go to some other country now?
Jesus:Sure, there other other countries that border India. For example, there’s Kashmir, which partly belongs to Pakistan and partly belongs to China. Both nations are the “good guys” – they are strong allies of the Republican Party. Pakistan’s strong rulers have been our best friends in the region in both the war against Russia, and the war against Islamofascism. China is a great land with lots of investment opportunity. You’ll never see any Chinese environmentalists whining about what happened at Bhopal.
Child:What happened at Bople?
Jesus:Americans generously gave jobs and chemicals to Indians, but the lazy, incompetent Indians spilled the chemicals all over. The Indians complained about being sick, but they’re sick with diarrhea all the time, how can they tell what caused it? And anyway, *I* caused it, to punish them for their sins.
Child:Wow – this place is horrible. And to think that an Indian movie just won all those Oscars!
Jesus: They must have had a quota or something. Indians movies are boring – no car chases, not even any kissing. And they’re mostly cheap knock-offs of western entertainment. For example, notice how all their music is ripped off from the Beatles.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TtJRNyPK-lc
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VzVp_6m5gXs
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F5ky5ClIjL8
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MOnwrzssOjc
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Pq98sZSBtc
Child:Is there any way it’s possible to bring salvation to this place?
Jesus: The last person who tried was Mother Teresa, and it destroyed her faith. She most likely died an atheist and went to hell, because of India. But on the other hand, there is an ex-Indian named Bobby Jindal. He has become such a good Christian that he even does amature exorcisms!
Child: Wow! So there IS hope! God Bless America!
Jesus: I will! And that’s also a happy ending for today’s adventure. It’s time to go home to the greatest nation in the world, and go to bed.
Child: God bless America!
Jesus: I Will! And remember, I’m just a pray away(tm)! I’ll see you later, for another adventure in “Around the world in 80 Prays”.
Since Uncle Bobby is no longer around to read them, comments have been disabled for this story. Why not read some Real Bible Stories instead?
Praise Jesus!! It’s about time that somebody did an in-depth expose on the Godless “country” called India. They worship demons and willingly starve themselves to death and reject God’s Holy Word. Nothing good can come out of a steaming smelly slum like that.
Excellent work!
What a bunch of idiots u are who made this site, go fuck yourself in hell
Get a life.
dude, seriously. Get a life…
Ignorance and stupidity is a gift America was born with.
We are all set to take ur jobs and help u imporove your rate of unemployment and bring it on par with us
Thank you
If your God Jesus is as sadistic as u explaining then there is no hope for Christianity. No wonder u guys let him be crucified. Your god is weak. He could not even protect himself and you guys go to him for help.
get a life.
haha! classic
OMG! Another culture! HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE!!!!!
Now go feast on the blood and flesh of your cosmic Jewish zombie god and leave the rest of the world in peace.
Indians are the wealthiest among all ethnic groups in America, even faring better than the whites and the natives.
There are 3.22 millions of Indians in USA (1.5% of population). YET,
38% of doctors in USA are Indians.
12% scientists in USA are Indians.
36% of NASA scientists are Indians.
34% of Microsoft employees are Indians.
28% of IBM employees are Indians.
17% of INTEL scientists are Indians.
13% of XEROX employees are! Indians.
India never invaded any country in her last 1000 years of history.
And see what is US doing. Please realise the world hates your military presence. And your warcraft policies.
I hear the dotters still have plague over there too, so that shows you right there our Lord does not approve of their cow worshipping ways. When will these people ever learn that the only enlightenment they’ll get is the fire that dances before their faces as they burn in hell?
Well said, Abe!
Indian, what about Kashmir?
Before India got independence in 1947, India was a big country spanning from Afghanistan to Myanmar (Burma). The British left, dividing India into many countries, a policy which they had been following called “divide and rule”. The blood spill is still continuing. Kashmir is a portion between India and the present Pakistan. It is not a place India invaded as the admin might have hinted. Don’t let it be solved fully as the West would lose two biggest customer of their arms.
@Admin
India did not invade Kashmir, u moron. Check the history of Kashmir.
They wanted to be independent but Pak tried taking it by force and thats when the then king of kashmir joined hands with India. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kashmir
Of course. Kashmir wants to be part of India.
Keep on believing that.
This website is nothing more than Christianity on Display, in all its true glory.
“Abe”, the plague still exists in the US, too.
http://rarediseases.about.com/cs/bubonicplague/a/111602.htm
http://www.cdc.gov/ncidod/dvbid/plague/facts.htm
Curiously, just like cholera, typhus, and other nasties, it seems to be linked to poor sanitation and, you know, poverty.
And, in case you weren’t aware, in the past, oh 100+ years, medicine has moved away from the whole “illness is caused by sin” (previously called “illness is caused by evil spirits, etc) thing.
Fortunately, it seems that within a few generations most of you religious kooks will have died out and been unable to replenish your numbers.
…and, what’s really interesting, is that the US ranks only 30th in average life expectancy compared to other countries:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_countries_by_life_expectancy
…in fact, the list is topped by decidedly non-Christian countries (Japan, Hong Kong, Singapore…even ISRAEL!!! OMG!!! Explain that one!)
I guess God must like those Shinto / Buddhist / Taoist / Communist-Atheist guys better than Western Christians…whoops!
Dear Admin
Is your sad nature regading Kashmir justified?
Wha about the life of Native people of America? You invaded them. Just because it is 500 years old, it can not be held true. You came there with Bible and gunpowder. Then they had the land. After sometime you have the land and they were left with the Bible alone. This is true in Africa too. Brazil too. what about Slavery? How did it took so long to realise it is a sin? What happened to the interpretation of the Bible? I love America for the individual freedom it offers, not for this kind of view through the yellow spectacles that you wear.
Gandhi said once, let me quote. ” I Love your Christ, I do not Love your Christians: Your Christians are very much unlike your Christ.”
Just remember that.
So in summary to the comments of Indian and CS, dearest admin
I’d translate em to say IN YOUR FACE FOOL!
@admin
Actually not only Kashmir, a large part of pakistan also wants to be a part of India much like it originally was. And i believe it as much as u guys believe that the corpse on the cross is actually your “true” god!
Why cry so much about just Kashmir?
If you have real pity for suppressed people cry about Tibetan and Taiwanese people. Where were your tears when Tibet is annexed by China? Just because they are poor and peace loving does not mean they can be oppressed forever. You won’t speak a word against China for two reasons. They may have more powerful weapons than you have and you have a lot of economic interest with China. Americans have no more interest in freedom but in their economic interests. Just these rhetoric won’t help you forever to keep your heads high.
American attitude to Indians. We know it. We can understand your frustration.
See here a US radio host calling Indian IT workers slumdogs. (http://business.rediff.com/report/2009/apr/14/us-radio-host-indians-are-slumdogs.htm).
When your quality of education falls, you need the so called third world people to work for you. But when you lose your jobs its fun to spit the fire on Indians and abuse their culture. If Indians stay there, sure, your workers are in trouble and if they are sent away you are in more trouble. The returnees having more knowledge about your systems will replicate the success here at home. So better keep them there. And don’t try to think that your culture is superior in any way than ours. First keep the home clean and then try to clease ours.
Here’s a Report from Ireland. Read it to know things. No comments.
(http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090521/ap_on_re_eu/eu_ireland_catholic_abuse)
LOL!!! I’m a Catholic and an Indian….and I find this complete discussion hilarious. I guess this sort of uneducated statements made by Americans is what make most of you what your own people call you – Rednecks. LOL.
Thanks ‘Indian’ for providing some facts here, but I seriously doubt anybody will have the brains to actually read something educate them selves of the world beyond their own borders.
And, ‘OneWay’ please stop it with the quoting the Bible crap. To take the God’s name in vain is blasphemy. And what you are doing here is pure unadulterated blasphemy. Infact, unknowingly you are simply aping the fanatical Muslim religious leaders that mislead their own people by misinterpreting and misquoting the Holy Quran.
Seems like divine retribution and ironic when uneducated Americans that misinterpret the Bible tries to come up with a sad argument against the rest of the world. ROTFLMAO