Maybe you’ve heard about “Creationism”. That’s what Christian people want you to learn in school, instead of evolution and the Big Bang theory. But what is Creationism?
Here’s the story of Creation, as written in the Bible!
The class settled in. Ginny, John, and Mark sat near the front, and the “Dunwich Dullards,” as Shirlee liked to call them — “Dunwich Droolers”, her friend Eunice said — slouched in the back of the room.
“Oh, joy. Creationism!” John looked as bored as the Dullards.
“Hush your complaining!” Shirlee glared. “I haven’t even started! And it’s a beautiful story.”
Once upon a time, there was nothing. No world, no sun, no stars, no moon. There was just God.
“You see, John, people who teach Intelligent Design and Creationism insist that the Big Bang theory isn’t valid, because everything MUST have a cause. Something must have set everything in motion. Doesn’t that make sense?”
“Sure, Shirlee . . . but where do you think God came from?” John was going to start testing her already. “What set Him in motion? What’s His ‘Cause’?”
“God is infinite, John. He was always there, and always will be. So you see? No ‘Cause’ needed, He IS the cause!”
Mark, not to be outdone, jumped in. “What spurred Him, after sitting around for (literally) an eternity, to create a universe? Did He get bored?”
“I don’t know, Mark. Maybe He just wanted someone to love.”
One day (well, it wasn’t really a “day”, because God hadn’t invented those yet), God decided to create a world. So, He created a blob of material covered with water.
To go further, He needed to be able to see. It was dark.
“Let there be light!” He cried, and POOF! There was light! God liked the light, and He divided it from the darkness. He named them Day and Night, and that was the first day. (Gen. 1:2-5)
On the second day, God made a “firmament”, the vault of the sky, which he called Heaven. He made it to divide the waters below the sky from the waters above the sky. (Gen. 1:6-8)
“Are you saying that the sky is a big dome, and there are waters above it?”
“That’s right, that’s exactly what the Bible tells us.”
“But what about the space shuttle? We know there’s no water out there, just empty space!”
Shirlee paused. “Who are you going to believe, Mark? God, or your television? Your television can show you real live dinosaurs in Jurassic Park, too. Do you think there’s an island with man-made dinosaurs on it, trying to eat Jeff Goldblum?”
“Well, of course not, that’s just a movie . . .”
“I’m glad that’s settled. Now let’s get back to the Bible! And I’ll tell you why there’s no water above the dome another day. Noah knew, and so will you.”
On the third day, God pulled all the water under the sky into one place, making the ocean. Then, the dry land appeared, on which He commanded plants and trees to spring forth. God thought these were pretty good, too. (Gen. 1:9-13)
“I bet you thought the water on the Earth filled low spots, didn’t you? So it would seem more like God pulled the land together to make space for the oceans, wouldn’t it? But the Bible says God pulled the water together all in one place.”
“But that is what happens, Shirlee. The water runs downhill and fills the low spots.”
“Mark, is your ‘science’ going to save you from Hell? I bet not. So I suggest you pay attention to God’s Word instead of Bill Nye the Science Guy, OK?”
“Is all the water in one place now, Shirlee? Why not?”
“Because I’ll tell you why when we get to it, and we’re not going to get there today. Noah found out about water, and you will too. But not today.”
On the fourth day, God put lights in the big dome; a big light (the sun) for the day, a smaller light (moon) for the night, and a bunch of tiny stars which would tell people signs, seasons, days, and years. He made the sky into a calendar! (Gen. 1: 14-19)
Ginny spoke up. “So, the sky is a big dome, and the sun and the stars are stuck in it. There are two sources of water, the water above the dome and the water below the dome. Doesn’t that mean there is water behind the stars? Does that mean that’s where rain comes from, behind the stars?”
“It sure would seem that way, Ginny. Or at least that’s how God set it up in the beginning!”
“But the stars are millions of miles away,” noted John. “Rain would have to fall an incredible distance to get here!”
“Yes,” Shirlee sneered, “and on Channel 35, a Tyrannosaurus Rex is picking Jeff Goldblum out of his teeth.”
John sighed his resignation.
“What about day and night?” Mark, perched on the edge of his chair, had a hungry look in his eye. He looked ready to pounce.
“What about them, Mark?”
“Isn’t it day when the sun is up, and night when the sun sets?”
“Of course, any fool knows that. What are you getting at?”
“How could there be a first, second, or third day, and how could God have separated light and dark on the first day to make day and night, when He didn’t create the sun until the fourth day? It couldn’t rise and set if it didn’t exist yet!”
Even some of the Dullards perked up at Mark’s comments. Tom Cerveaux, one of Ginny’s many less genetically-diverse cousins, started mumbling.
“Continuity, continuity,” muttered Tom. “Continuity.”
“What? Continuity? What are you talking about, Tom?”
“Continuity!” Tom pounded his fist on his desk. “Con-Ti-Nu-It-Tee!”
Shirlee took a deep breath, knowing she wouldn’t get much more out of Tom. “Does anyone know what Tom is jabbering about?”
Mark raised his hand. “The movies, Shirlee. You brought up movies. A continuity error in a movie is when something doesn’t ‘continue’ the way it’s supposed to. Like when Jeff Goldblum’s right arm gets eaten by the dinosaur, and in the next scene he’s running around missing his left arm instead, or still has both arms. Tom’s saying there’s a continuity error. In this case, there’s light in an early scene, but the source of the light doesn’t exist at the time of the scene, so the light can’t be there.”
“This is the Bible, Mark. Let’s not confuse it with fiction and human errors in storytelling, OK? You too, Tom! Hush!”
“Continuity,” muttered Tom.
On Day Five, God decided to create some of the living animals — those of the sea and the air, like whales, fish, birds, and dolphins. He told them to reproduce and spread all over the Earth. (Gen. 1:20-23)
“Some animals only went to some parts of the Earth. There are only kangaroos in Australia, for example. Why didn’t all the animals go all over the Earth?” Ginny looked confused.
“Because they were sinful, I bet,” laughed John.
Mark joined in, “They disobeyed God!”
“And you will find out what happens to animals who disobey God in a few weeks, boys.” Shirlee glared. “It’s almost as bad as what happens to people who disobey God!”
“And what’s that, Shirlee?” Ginny was worried. Shirlee knew she could get Ginny’s attention now:
“He resurrects you from the dead, and then He burns you alive in a lake of fire forever and ever, and never lets you escape!”
Ginny started to cry. “Like . . . like Emily?”
Shirlee realized she’d scared Ginny a bit too much with Biblical truth. “Emily’s not dead, Ginny. Look, she’s right there, drooling on her dress, like always.”
Ginny gazed in horror upon her slack-jawed cousin Emily. “Oh . . . God . . . He won’t make me like that, will He?” She started to tremble, more afraid of becoming a Dunwich Dullard than of eternal damnation.
“You just obey God and don’t worry about what He does to other people. That’s His business, not yours.”
“Way to reassure her, Shirlee,” growled Mark. “Ginny, don’t worry about it, Emily is like that because she’s inbred, not because she made God mad.”
Shirlee ignored Mark and turned back to the Bible.
On the Sixth Day, God created land animals and insects and creepy-crawly things. He made cows, and lions, and dinosaurs, and bees, and worms, and unicorns, and bears. Lots of creatures! He also made humans!
He decided to make men and women in His image (that means that people look like God!), and told them that they could run the world and be in charge of it and the animals in it. He told them they could eat fruits and vegetables, and so could all the animals. That’s right, God made the first people and all the animals vegetarians, so there would be no violence in the world! (Gen. 1:24-31)
“Shirlee, are you a vegetarian?”
“No, John, I’m not. Why do you ask?”
“Well, you said that God made the people and animals vegetarians. So don’t you think that is what God would want us to do now?”
“You tell me, John. Are all the animals vegetarians now?”
“No, my cat killed and ate a mouse just yesterday.”
“Then do you think things have changed since Creation?”
“Maybe a bit, yeah.”
“We’ll learn more about meat-eating soon.”
On the seventh day, God rested. This is why Sunday is to be a day of rest.
Since there was nobody to till the land, and God hadn’t yet invented rain, He made a mist rise from the land to water all his plants. It must have been really humid! (Gen. 2:5-6)
“I thought God was supposed to be resting.”
“What’s that? Well, I guess watering plants must not be work for God. He did it while resting, after all. I hope you’re not suggesting the Bible is self-contradictory, John.”
“No, I’d never do that,” snickered John. “Psst, Tom . . . Continuity.”
“Continuity! Continuity! Continuity!” chanted a grinning Tom, pounding his desk, a single thread of drool linking his chin to his belly.
“You didn’t say anything about Adam and Eve. They were the first people, but you said God made lots of people on the Sixth Day.”
“The Bible doesn’t say they were the first people, Ginny. Adam and Eve were apparently the first Jews! Adam doesn’t arrive on the scene until after the Creation is complete. That’s next Sunday’s story, about Adam, Eve, and Original Sin!”
“Original Sin? What’s that?” Mark leaned in. “You know, because I’m tired of all the copycat sins, I’d like to try something new.”
Shirlee’s mouth fell open. “Mark, you little . . . Oh, I can’t say that in church . . . Go home!”
Saved by the bell, the church bell rang indicating the end of Sunday service. Time to go home.